maybe you thought that you werent good enough for me and couldn’t think of a way to tell me. because you showed me plenty of times.
I have so much on my mind.
They say winter symbolizes death. It’s during winter that people forget things. I feel like winter right now. I feel terribly forgotten, and a sense of myself is dying. But after winter, comes spring. Rebirth. It scares me to death. Who will I be next?
so, a few things have been rolling around in my head lately.
for starters, social life,
it has basically disappeared. slowly but surely. ive been partying pretty hard for the past three years and i’m completely over it. well not completely, but pretty darn close. i just don’t feel like socializing or getting shit faced to do so. not that i’m ready for to settle down and have kids. but what i think i’m ready to get to know the new me. the me at my core. its been pretty difficult but i love a challenge and rarely ever back down from one. bring it on life.
next, leaving things up to God.
i’ve been too busy trying to plan ahead for the future that i haven’t focused much attention on the here and now. once i left things up to God, things started to fall into place and i stopped worrying about things i couldn’t change.
next, my dreams turning into goals.
im starting to think that maybe my dream to go to colorado is just that… a dream. whats wrong with chasing it though? or trying to make it in to a goal? if i do go out and chase it and fail, at least i went to chase it. and thats more than most people can say for themselves.
I feel like I’ve been hit with a lot of wisdom in the past couple of weeks.
First, I started to really, deeply miss nathan. As much as I should, I don’t resent him or meeting him. I can’t. If God grants me the grace to talk to him, I couldn’t right now. Because I’d very easily fall right back in love with him. I still have feelings for him. And I’m okay with that. I’ve realized that the split is best for the both of us. And I thank God for that.
Also, I am no longer worried about my future. I’ve completely left it up to God. its out of my hands now. We plan, and God laughs.
With that said, I’m feeling more and more like myself everyday I wake up.
I feel so blessed right now.
i hope when you hear this song, you think of me. because i think of you, and i sure do miss you.
i can’t help it. it always creeps up on me.
you know, for some reason, these past few days, something keeps reminding me of you. i can’t ignore that i miss you.
although i’ve made peace with it, or so i think, i wish we would have made peace. mutually.
as much as i want to hate you, i can’t.
i sit in my car sometimes, doing my mundane routine drive to work, and try to piece together everything that happened between us. and then i get upset because it forces me to see you in a different light.
my heart can’t let go. that’s the truth of the matter.
in a perfect world, we wouldn’t be together. but i think we would be happy in a great friendship.
before i leave, i want to put this behind me, but not without your participation.
omgoodness, just found out that i’m graduating in a year and a half. three more semesters and one summer session and i’m done with my undergrad.
and, i might be looking at another law school soon.
i wouldn’t be who i am, or where i am, without my mom.
she’s the greatest person i know, the strongest influence in my life, and my strongest motivator.
she knows me better than anyone.
and i couldn’t ask for a better mom.
just thought i get this out.
I just want to do something so great with my life. I don’t want to settle.
And the atmosphere here is so….settling.
“Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it.”- Everyday, I wake up, and I look in the mirror, and I tell myself this. Its very inspiring.
